That even when I feel any amount of excitement concerning Darren anymore, I find it difficult to show it?

Read the brand new journal entry [about him finishing the album] and I felt this surge of something that could be called happiness or excitement or whatever...and for a moment, I was all ready to join in the posts about it (OK maybe not to such a "bopper" degree, but you know).

But when I opened the threads I suddenly lost the will to do that. Not because I'm not happy, or because I'm not glad he's finished it, or anything like that. But to be honest, I was amid this sea of bopper-like enthusiasm and call me mean, but it dampened my spirits just a little. I don't know why.

Shouldn't I be rejoicing in the fact that other people are happy too? It just seemed to... discourage me. Not from the album, not from wanting to hear it, or anything. Just from posting my true feelings about it, which if I ever do might take a while now because I want to gather my thoughts about it.

It's really confusing me, how I can't seem to express my emotion in front of other people, even though I know (and they know, in most cases) already how I feel. I tend to (usually IRL as well, when Mum brings the subject up) scorn any facts and it's stupid, because I usually let her know any news with a big smile, before changing my tune completely and brushing it off with a resounding derogatory noise like *cheh*.

I've said this before, but it's getting harder and harder to admit my enthusiasm before others...maybe I'm afraid of saying so because it's like going back on times when I didn't feel so enthusiastic?

It's not me, I'm pretty sure, because anything else (even tiny, little things!!) can get me jazzed sometimes, like I saw Brian Molko fleetingly on the TV the other day and screamed (I'm a freak, I know) or something similiar.

It's not because of Darren even. I was gushing about him the other day. (Don't tell anyone). But it's becoming more and more apparent to me that I can't express my feelings on the fanclub.

Sorry to ramble, but I'm just trying to get it into my head so maybe I can work out what's going on with me [img]eek.gif[/img]

xxSam